*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
me working on my assignments ^-^
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.