My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise