I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
spicy snake
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.