Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist