A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.