Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Feels like the fourth month in January
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…