Candles never taste the way they smell
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Breaking news:
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]