Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.