Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
This January has 47 Mondays
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
i actually laughed 😩
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?