When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?