my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did