the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.