if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old