“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?