My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.