Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
The Sun
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.