Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.