app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
🤣🤣🤣
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.