I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding