Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
You Might Also Like
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
listen closely
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or