Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Going to church you guys need anything
Autocorrect completely socks
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.