My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.