Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend