to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.