tis the season
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.