“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again