SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?