what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again