My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Should I call tech support or pray or what
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.