When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
i actually laughed 😩
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..