According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW