What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You Might Also Like
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Husband: Don鈥檛 tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can鈥檛 comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[loses house key, starts a new life]
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that鈥檚 not my rule to enforce
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I am all good here, 馃槀馃槈
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My apathy is at an all time whatever.