Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
You Might Also Like
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
A man of commitment.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again