Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?