Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.