I can’t stop laughing at this
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
That lamp looks PISSED.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
pelicons
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?