For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*