Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.