Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.