[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
the red hot silly peppers
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Netflix: We have Less
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.