Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?