wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.