I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”