Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”