FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.