Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
You Might Also Like
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.