Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.