I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
as is their right
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.