[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
You Might Also Like
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Well, this is awkward
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!