wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
do horses think humans are hats
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni